infertility sucks - There, I said it. Now you all know what I’ve been dealing with lately. Let me preface this post by saying that these are MY feelings, MY thoughts, and MY opinions of MY situation. I’m in no way generalizing how all women going through infertility feel; instead, this is my journey. Also, I’ll go into my infertility plan in a later post, but right now I’ve got to get off my chest what’s been bottled up inside of me for so long.
This news is probably a shock to most people reading my blog, including many of my close friends and family members. I’ve chosen to keep quiet about itz been too difficult to discuss and because I’d always envisioned big plans of how we would announce our pregnancy. I still have those hopes that one day they will ring true, but honestly I feel like I couldn’t keep what I’ve been going through a secret any longer. Itz painful and itz been kept under wraps for enough time now. Itz hard to talk about and, depending where I am in my cycle, sometimes itz downright unbearable.
Infertility happens when a two people try to make a baby for a year or longer. Infertility does NOT mean the couple will never get pregnant. It just means they may have a harder time doing so than others.
Infertility sucks. Itz an emotional roller coaster and nothing like I’ve ever experienced in my life. Itz sad. Itz scary. It makes me mad. It makes me worried. I am grateful for all the advances in the medical field that allow for testing, medication, and more, and I can only hope that it helps in bringing us a healthy, happy baby.
So why write this post? Infertility is not spoken of nearly enough. Itz understandable as itz an incredibly personal and painful experience. I get that. Oh trust me, I get that. However, I’ve learned that itz far more common than people think and far more women (and men) are affected than most people know. I’ve also felt extremely alone with my thoughts and feelings. Not literally, of course; I have the most supportive husband, family, and friends, but itz hard because they’ve not gone through what I’m going through and I don’t think they can relate. I know I couldn’t before this started. Writing has always been my outlet, so today I write.
In addition, I want people to know how common infertility is and keep it in mind when asking the all too common questions of: “Do you guys want to have kids? When will you start trying?” (Gosh if I had a dime for every time I’ve been asked that…!) In fact, I used to be a huge culprit of asking those questions. Right when someone got married, I’d ask. If someone had been married for a year, I’d ask. I love babies and thought everyone should and could have them. Boy was I wrong and am totally kicking myself now. You never know what someone is going through. There have been numerous times when I’ve been asked that where I’ve had to blink back tears, excuse myself, or give a short, “Yes, soon,” response because screaming, “I’M WORKING ON IT,” wouldn’t be polite.
People say when you least expect it, then it will happen. Stop stressing about it. Honestly, that’s not fair to say to someone who is going through infertility. For me, having a baby has been a lifelong dream. I played with dolls far longer than I should have. When I was young, I wanted to be a “mommy” when I grew up. Itz impossible not to think about it constantly, especially when there is a lot of medication to take, frequent doctor visits, blood being drawn, and shots given on a regular basis.
People say stay positive. I’m trying with all my might, but itz hard. Itz hard, but I continue to try to stay positive each and every day.
The first time I heard “infertility” in reference to me from my regular OBGYN, I burst into tears. The first time I called a specialist, I started crying upon giving my name. The first time I walked into my new doctor’s office, I was a disaster. In fact, between my tears, snot, and sniffles, I’m not sure how they got any information out of me. The only thing they really got that day was a blood sample and a picture of my insides.
I want people to know how painful it is so they stop so casually asking about a couple’s choice to have a baby. Itz hard being asked that. Itz hard when it feels like every single person is pregnant. It seems as though all my friends, family members, coworkers, and bloggers are pregnant, having babies, or raising their kids. Don’t get me wrong: I am so happy that itz happened for them, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I didn’t hurt inside every time someone knew announces a pregnancy or gender reveal or posts an uber cute picture of their little ones. How is everyone else pregnant right now? What about me?
Itz also hard being amongst a group of moms, listening to them talk about their children, not being able to relate, and wondering if I ever will. Itz hard sitting there while people get asked when they will have their second or third child when all I wonder is when I’ll have my first. I’m not saying I want people to walk on eggshells regarding kids and pregnancy. Just be aware and be sensitive that you may not know what someone is going through.
This post is filled with a lot of sadness and that’s because infertility is a sad thing. Itz ok to feel those emotions, not suppress them, and, instead, express them. For me, sometimes this means alone time. Walking outdoors and being in nature has always been very calming to me. Sometimes it means getting together with friends and not talking about the issue. At times it feels as though it occupies my mind every minute of every day, so filling my time with activities to take my mind off the subject is helpful. Other times, writing/talking/crying have been my outlet. Whatever works.
Believe. That’s a word I’m clinging on to with all my power. I believe I will get pregnant. I believe my doctors are doing what’s best for me. I believe we are meant to have a baby. I believe when the time is right, it will happen. Itz hard, but I believe.
I want to reach out to anyone who may need support and tell you: You are not alone. Please feel free to shoot me an email ( itzlinz [at] gmail [dot] com ) if you have any questions or would like to discuss something more private.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for allowing this blog to my outlet. Thanks for being YOU and letting me be ME. I hope each one of you has a wonderful day. xoxo